What's wrong?

"I think Mommy and Daddy are splitting up"

'How do you know?'

"Because"

'Because what?'

"Because they argue all the time. Slamming doors. Mommy is always cursing alot at Daddy. Daddy said she gonna end up a lonely old... I can't say that word. You know. It starts with B."

Ahhhhhhh. I think you right. My mom and her boyfriend use them words all the time. Then they be laughing the next day. I think they go in their room, and fight it out. I hear them cursing, and mom be screaming. I be scared to go to the door, and ask if everything is ok. They be in the bed, though. I hear the bed moving. She be calling him Daddy. And he ain't even her daddy.

'You don't know what they be doing? They be having sex. Yeah, girl. They be getting it on. Sometimes, my mother be watching movies at night. Watching people with no clothes on, doing the nasty. She be naked, too. I hear her talking, like she talking to somebody, and ain't nobody in the room with her.'

"Well my Mommy and Daddy don't sleep in the same room. I sleep with Mommy. She always tells me to come get in bed with me. She tells me before we go to sleep, to be careful that when I'm old enough to get married, and have a husband, to make sure he loves me, and only me. I always say, yes Mommy. She say Daddy loves us, but he got other people that he loves, too. I be wondering who she talking about."

She be talking about his "chick on the side" girl. He be stepping out on your moms. Does he have other kids? You got more sisters, or brothers? I wonder what they look like.

"I don't know. I'm afraid to ask Mommy. She always so mad when she talk to Daddy, or about him. I just like all the attention I be getting."

'I know that's right. When my mom don't have a man, she watches TV in bed with me. She cooks all my favorite foods.

"But does she be sad? My mommy is always sad, when she isn't trying to be nice to me. I think she misses Daddy. And won't admit it. I see her looking at his picture all the time. I wonder if they will break up, or not. I hope not."

Why?

"Because I don't wanna get used to another Daddy. I like the one I got."

Child, he will always be your Daddy. No one can take his place. You only have one. No matter what happens, that's the one thing that other woman he loves, can take away from you. You know that?

'Right'

"Yeah, right! High five...."

I am sitting here today  amidst noises and the silence that I am so used to in the morning.  My mind travels back to conversations we once enjoyed.  How we would sit for hours, talking, laughing, and discovering new things about each other.  How everyday brought a new experience, and a new insight into what makes you the unique person you are to me today.  I stop, and pause...to smile, remembering certain words you used to say...things that only you could breathe life into.  I learned so much from you.  How to love with no conditions.  How to brave your own inhibitions, and fears ..to challenge everything you are..for what you hope to acheive. 

       I was talking to a friend yesterday, and she challenged me to write a poem reflecting a single thought-tragic.   I thought it would be easy initially, so I agreed.  As I started to think about something tragic, I found it very hard to put my feelings about it in poem; a single thought.  I only stabbed at a few lines of senseless phrases, and after a while, I gave up.   But, I knew in my heart what tragic means to me.

       Tragic is living your whole life never knowing love.   It is the constant search through what seems like futile efforts.  It is the anguish in finding out your love is not reciprocated....it is the gruesome madness of having someone snatched from you by some unseen accident.  Tragic is having your loved ones' life stolen by a drunk driver, or a disaster by an act of terrorism, war, or nature.  Tragic is all of these things...but to me, it gets so much more personal. 

      The most tragic thing to me in my life today...is never being able to look upon the face of you.  To share such strong emotions.  To be suspended moment after moment by your spirit that feels as close to me as the hairs on my arm.  To be able to touch the curves in your mouth that creates a smile, or a frown.  To actually see emotions registered when you call my name, or your reaction when coming into my presence.  "Don't you wanna see the face of the one who loves you?"   "Don't you want to kiss the lips that whisper your name?"  Questions, that time has not answered for me.  Tragic to have to close the heart off from thinking.... or wondering beyond the present..... to empty hands that reach out into the night for loves'  gentle caress. 

    Tragic that we are limited by time, space, location, and circumstance.  That what we share will only be real in spirit, and in our  hearts. Tragic is...never meeting you....Having lost so much in my life, I know what pain is.  And I have to live with this ache, this grief, this torment.  But to know that you are being loved, I can go on....

       Tragic ....the true tragedy is not losing you, but never knowing you!

It was a long flight to Los Angeles.  I didn't know why I had accepted the position to do a training course so far away from all my friends.  Maybe deep inside, I wanted to get away.  This gave me freedom to think, and make a move where everyone wouldn't be suspect of me.   I love Gina with all my heart, but I think she is so overbearing sometimes.  We get to this place.  And freeze.  Almost like it's a danger ahead sign coming up, that only one of us sees.  Mostly her.  I mean, I know I'm a very outgoing person, and it might look like I'm cheating, but I never have.  It frustrates me to be accused of something I'm not doing.  Almost makes me wanna do it.  I settle down in my seat, put my head back, and close my eyes.  The music, along with this pleasant feeling of calm just soothes me.  I think about her.  I miss her already.  What is it about absence that makes the heart grow fonder.  The way she is, when she is loving, is worth all the stress we go through. 

Take for instance, my birthday.  She made sure I had a blast, and a half.   We had discussed what we were gonna do--invite friend over for a cozy dinner, and retire afterwards.  So, that's what I planned for.  No surprises, right.  Now we live near the hottest black gay spot in the whole US of A. which is Atlanta.  And, She managed to get Gladys Knight to sing, in our home.  Don't ask me how she did it, but she did.  Everyone was so surprised, and told me I better keep that woman, because she had potential to make the rest of my days just as thrilling.  I loved how she was so spontaneous.  So upbeat.  Never let things get her down, and my happiness was always the 'bottom line'.  I felt safe in that aspect.  So, why am I on a flight, moving away from her, for 90 days, and perhaps, for good?  I don't know. 

I pick my bags up, and head for my car.  They have my accommodations when I get to the office.  This is a nice place out here.   Might as well get used to it; I'm gonna be here for a while.  I plan to shop, and sightsee when I'm not working.  After I get settled in, I'm gonna find a club to go to. A girl needs to unwind after working like a slave all day.  Get my drink on, you know...

I got to my room, opened the door, and it was beautiful inside.  But, no smell of food, and no indication that anyone would be waiting for me, or expecting me.    I put my purse, and keys, down on the table, and walked around the place where I'm supposed to be calling home.  I miss Gina.  Hmmmm.  The only noise is the clicking of my shoes, as I walk across the hardwood floor.  Down the hall to my bedroom.  I stop at the door, leaning up against it.  I stepped out of my shoes, walked over to the bed, crawled up in it, and lay flat on my back.  A thousand memories came flashing back.  Everything I went through, to get to this place in my life.  To have it all, and in the shadows is someone who I can't get along with.  I stayed there, in the quietness, for endless moments.....until my phone rang.  I jumped up to go get it out my purse.  Who could this be?  I picked it up, looked at the name.  Gina.  I sigh.  "Hello Gina, I made it out here.  I'm in my room"   'Good, I was just worried about you.  I mean, I knew you would be okay, but I wanted to make sure you got out there safely.  I don't intend to bother you, I promise.  It...ahhh just hit me, that you're really gone.  I can handle this, I really can.'   "Look, Baby, I miss you already too.  For the first time, in a long time, I have no one to come home to.  When I walked in here, there was no sign of life, food cooking, or your smell in the place.  So, I am adjusting, too"   ' You really miss that?  Wow.  My test is gonna come, at night, and when we used to shop together, and hang out with our friends.  Now I know not to look for you, and I can't accuse you of cheating.  LOL.  Cuzzzzz you're thousands of miles away, and......sigh.....you're on your time now'  

"Gina, it might not take as long as you think.  After I get things worked out, I'm planning on coming back.  This is not home, for me.  I don't know anyone out here, not even the people I will be working with.  The company thought I would be the best choice, and I jumped on it.  We needed time apart.  Don't you agree?"   ' I have to.  And, you could have just broken it off, instead of giving us time apart, so for that--I thank you.  I hope this time apart helps us.   I don't want nobody but you.  I love you, Brenda.  I love you so much.  Okay, before you hang up, I'm gonna go now.  Just making sure my girl got there safe, and you are, so I'm good.  If you think about me, call me; you know how to get me. Okay, lata.  Be good.  Knock em out out there, you hear me?'  "Gina, I can feel the fear in your voice; I know you.  But, we gonna be alright. okay?  Just take care of you, and tell my , well our, friends, I said a girl is doing it.  Okay, time to get settled in.  Talk to you soon.  Be sweet.  Make sure you eat right, and stay away from the fast food.  LOL.  Bye Baby"  I hang up. 

Caught myself, lying there, reminiscing again, so I jumped up, took all my clothes off, and headed for the shower.  Turned the water on.  Adjusted it to just about as hot as I could stand.  Stepped over into the stream of steamy water, and let it run down on my body, christening me.   Cleansing my soul.  Tilting my head bac, I allowed it to cascade down my face, blending with the trails of tears that I could now, finally let flow.  It wasn't a sadness.  It was a release.  Of so much pressure.  So much that was wrong.  I was letting all the bottled up pain wash away from me. 

My body felt like mine again.  I cupped my breasts, and let beads of water beat against my nipples, hardening them.  I started to massage them both, sending waves of excitement all over my body.  Tingles of temptation that only Gina could fulfill.  But, she wasn't here.  It was just me, and this urge I have....to be satisfied.  I closed my eyes, and started at my face.  washing, and massaging.  Waking up every sense I had in my face.  Moving down to my neck, and shoulders.  I reached up to take the shower head, and aim the jet spray of water between my legs, by lifting one leg up, and open.  Mmmm.  Nice.  My clit throbbed, against the impact.  Didn't take long to arouse my own self.  I rinsed off, stepped out the shower, and dried off.  I was really wanting her now.  My nipples were calling her name, as was my pussy.  I ran my hands all down my body, remembering so many times, before we even dried off, we were kissing, and licking each other.  She never waited til I dried off.  She even would take me in the shower, or just as I stepped out.  We would have to just say 'time out' to get some sleep.  The tingling all over me, was calling me. 

I made sure the place was locked up, and headed for bed.  There, in my own pace, and for my own pleasure, I made love to myself.  I called out my own name, as I came.  Feeling Gina's hands on me with my eyes closed, I did things that I knew she loved to do to me.  I'm not sure how long I unleashed this need of mine, but I do know, my body missed me.  Missed my fingers, my hands.  My command.  I lay motionless, as sleep called me.  Felt so serene, that I just drifted off......

Gm Friends
I woke up with this song in my heart, and on my mind.  It's a song asking God for guidance in a world that is getting colder by the minute.  We need each other.  God saw fit to bring us together, across the miles, without need for dangerous traveling...each day to share a part of the best of each of us with each other.  Each uniquely different personality is a part of a whole body of His image, and His love
I know many will say when you get a bunch of people together, they don't be together long, but, I wish it would not be.  We need each other's love, wisdom, understanding, encouragement, and hope just to make it through each day.  The spirit of Satan would have us see the exact opposite.  I pray daily for the spirit of UNITY, and FORGIVENESS to envelope each soul, so we can enjoy what God has in store for us, through each other.....
Give this song a listen, it is sooo beautiful.....

Each Other 
by: KEMII

Talking to you, it's your son
Father, I can't believe all the things,
We have done to each other
The problem I find,
In all my years the danger is high,
Though your love is near
So what can be done to heal each other
I hold my head up high to ease the pain
But quite frankly lord,
I don't know how much more this world can take
Yes we truly need more love for each other.
Lord it's me, it's your son
Trying to take a stand for peace,
Like your other one
Send us your love.
Cause we need each other
Mmmmm
We need, we truly need each other

* a bloody murder with a funny twist

Here's the story
as best as I can tell
those gals knew each other
for quite a spell
friends and lovers back in the day
they used to hang out in bars
and listen to the juke box play
Mari was the oldest
Kari, ten years behind
two of the sexiest sistahs
you ever wanna find
Kari used to always admire
how Mari's eyes were filled with fire
Kari liked women
Mari wouldn't dare
But she always noticed
how Kari would lustfully stare
One Friday night
Kari was feeling high
And Mari's man caught her eye
Kari had an idea in mind
I bet I can make this bitch jealous
her Old Boy seems so kind
I think I'll get in his face
and do a nasty wind
Well, it worked better than I planned
Because I forced her hand
She had to finally speak
even if her voice was weak
and weak because she already knew
it wasn't him I wanted to do
I had gotten her attention
in a jealous fit
But she knew that wasn't it
I led a trail all the way to my house
I planted bait
like cheese for a mouse
I think this is a good time to tell
I have a twin who plays me very well
She and her mischievous ways
have got me into messes for days
This particular night
She was feeling a little tight
So, we played a trick on Mari so good
You would think we were from the hood...
Mistaken identity
is the result of that night
it was my sister who Mari did fight
when she came to my house
and opened the door
my sister and her man
were fukkin on the floor..LOL
I'm telling you..the fire in her eyes
turned inferno red
and she was in shock for a moment
before she finally said.
'If it's the last thing I do
I promise,
I'm killing you'
Kari's sister sobered up
and realized
that Mari meant what she said
by the tears in her eyes
I think Ole Boy
had captured her heart
But she shoulda been playing it smart
Neva let your man tease another
not even in play
You'll live to regret it every day
Then again, Ole Boy shoulda knew
one day he was gonna be wearing
that same old shoe
Ole Boy went on to find another flame
Mari's life was never the same
One Sunday, Mari opened the paper
and it read
'Ole Boy, killed in lover's tryst,
found tied to a bed naked
dick cut off..
and both wrists slit'
Onlookers on the scene
say Ole Boy's woman was so mean
She didn't take no shyt
Once she caught him cheating in her bed,
that was the end of it...
She cooked for him
worked for him
fucked him
and fed him
and all the thanks that she got
was keeping that pussy wet
when it got hot
The lady turned herself in
and now she doing
20 in the Penn
Forward wind
twenty years lata
Mari and Kari end up neighbors
Kari's sisters' in town
and Mari does not know yet
that it was Kari's sister
that day she read about in the Gazette
The married name wasn't the same
So Mari couldn't know
that she was the same..
Anyway....
Kari's sister was visiting her one week
and Mari came over to eat
They got to talking about jail
and Kari's sister began to tell
the story of the man she swore
would hurt her no more
Now, why did she call his name
Mari realized the fact were the same
Mari, saying to herself,
'this bytch killed my flame
We coulda loved each other forever
if he didn't have to have her...'
Mari went home
steamed that night
She decided she was too old to fight
I know what I will do..
I'll trick you in my house
and beat the shyt out of you
Mari asked Kari's sister, Shari
over for some sandwiches
and tea one day
when Kari was gone
to her friends for an overnight stay
Mari planned it oh so well
Walking up behind Shari
Shari said,'what's that smell?'
Mari said,
'Oh, just an old bucket
from the well...
I keep it around to water my flowers
but I don't think
I'm gonna need it anymore
Because I'm gonna
beat your ass down to the floor
You stole my man, once
then killed him dead
You spent time in jail
for killing him in his bed..
DO you remember me now?'
Shari, trembling, rose to speak
uttering words in a frightened plea
'I was only playing, you got to see
my drinking got the best of me
Me and Kari have done this before
but, I promise
I won't do it no more...
Please,
Let me live..
I don't have much time to go'
Soon as she said it, she hit the floor
Mari had hit her with that bucket
one time... twice.... three times.... four
Shari fell to her knees
and despite her sobbing pleas
She died right there on the floor
Mari cleaned up the blood
that came gushing from Shari's head
and dragged Shari's body out to the shed
Mari came back inside washed her self
and put the bloody bucket back on the shelf
sat down at the table
eating the sandwich, drinking her tea.
singing to herself,

"bet Kari Kari Kari 
gonna be mad at me..
when she see
how her twin was
b.l.e.e.d.i.n.g....'

I miss you
I'm sooo sad
cuz we spend less
and less time together,
the closer I get to you...
and I can't complain,
cuz I know the deal
I called about an hour ago
but I can't call from here like I used to
She ask questions
right now she likes you
and she did say I should spend time
with my own friends
and I have no problem being friendly, do I?
she real cool people
I know
I'm glad you have her
Tell me something
what you are feeling for me...
is it just like what I feel for you
how do u feel?
like I'm caught up with you
I think of you often throughout the day
maybe too much
and I get lost in dreaming of u
I catch myself
I say--hold onnnn
dont lose it
I know the feeling
She's out today
and instead of going with her
I'm here thinking of you
 laying in my bed
thinking about words..
phrases I want to say to you
.... all locked up
I wont let them out
yep, I know
just sitting here...
scared to say them
lest they become my obsession
wanting to hear your voice
wanting you to call
to hear your giggling
the way you say my name
wanting to feel your smile...
I catch myself
over and over
everytime I do it
.... what have you done to me?
I know....
its the spell you put on me
it's what have we done to each other
the bewitching
I don't know what this is
you know where this is going, right?
yesssssssssss.....lol
where..?
you know me so well...!
yes, baby...
its our song
we sing it to each others heart
Why you got me all fucked up gurl?
... cuz you like being fukked up by me
laughing in unison
Let me serenade you then
sing to me...
what you got for me?
close you eyes, and make a wish
open your heart
let me love you like no other
mmmmmmmmmmm
can you wish for me
to love you unlike any other
yes..I do everyday
and every night
before I close my eyes...

Lovers Rock...
You are the lovers rock

"..... I am in the wilderness
You are in the music
In the man's car next to me
Somewhere in my sadness
I know I won't fall apart completely

When I need to be rescued
And I need a place to swim
I have a rock to cling to in the storm
When no one can hear me calling
I have you I can sing to

And in all this
And in all my life

You are the lovers rock
The rock that I cling to
You're the one
The one I swim to in a storm
Like a lovers rock

When I need to be rescued you're there
When I need a place to swim to in a storm
I sing to you
And all my life
And in all my life..."

 It's all about our love....
maybe this should be our song...

we embrace
It's been awhile
turn around
and let me look at you
a sight for sore eyes
as we embrace
I'm looking over her shoulders
who is that driving away
oh, she's just a friend
seems she's not too keen
on letting you go
why is she driving away so slowly
who did you tell her I was
your friend girl from college
come on now
how long you gonna keep that one up
how many friend girls do you have
and if this gets more serious
what you gonna do
look at her
circling back around again
you sure she just a friend
why are you withdrawing from me
is there something you wanna say to me
like tell me the truth
like now
I'm listening
I don't like what I see in your eyes
Is that fear
or uncertainty
What are you afraid of
You're not really sure,
are you...

So she really wants you?
No. Women are more trouble than men...lol
have you ever even desired a woman?
..not really, I dont see why she so paranoid
Why is she so jealous of me
hell if I know
she think you and I have something going on...
or has she even asked
she wont ask, she will assume
they all will assume
and watch everything we do
(wondering what it would really be like
taking her for the first time)

(I almost thought we had started something the other day
so, I'm gonna keep this thought to myself...... hot,hot,hot)
 
Hello....can I speak to Diva...
this is Diva, may I help you?
what time will u b ready tonight.  I thought we'd eat at my house,
if you're not afriad
I'll be ready by 7. No fear we can dine at your house tonight
I'm fixing your favorite.  Grilled salmon w/salad & asparagus
oooo...and if you fix me that I'm really cummin...lol
bathing...dancing around the room with excitement
Clothes everywhere.  Baby oil dripping down my body from the shower
I take my time to put the salmon in the oven, got the veggies in the fridge..
Ready to go.  Bottle of wine chilling.  Oh, and I made a salad.
Balsamic vinegarette..I remembered.  I'm unusually nervous. 
We never established a relationship beyond a deep friendship,
and I hope I don't blow this chance to impress her on my turf.  Wondering...
if she is as nervous as I am...

She is even more nervous..thinking...  what is she doing all this emotional
I know she knows she turning me on with that, "I don't do girls line..."
What do you wanna bet, one day some woman gonna turn that head,
and she won't be able to say no...she is always there whenever I need her;
its as if she feels me  and I hope I'm alive to see that day.
Looking at the clock, it's almost time....6:15- one last look in the mirror
as I slip the little back dress over my head...heels on..splash of perfume
and out the door.

Damn, look at her.  Coming to my the door..looking dressed to kill..
I would love to call that mine...

Knocking on the door...
Good evening Sunshine...i'm here
Such a warm embrace...damn she feels good to hug
Ok..you came to my house.
Hi,  welcome to my humble abode...
...honored to be here
Ccome in..wit your sexxy ass...

Winking my eye as I enter...
'What you say?  she said.
Nothing. I said you sure got here fast...LOL
Would u like a drink now...or what
Yes. Thinking to myself-- this will ease my butterflies
Grrr, I keep asking these leading questions...
Okay, two glasses of wine coming up
...excusing myself...

thinking to myself...what am I suppose to be doing...
hoping she likes what I did with the place.  I made it a lil more me..
should I ask her if she needs my help

I just hope I dont blow this night.  I like good impressions
Damn, I'm seeing her in a new light...and I like it
Okay, one glass of wine for the Diva...smiling
sitting down beside you.  'Hi...how u doing...', that's all that came out.
... feeling embarrassed, nervous.  "I'm really good today...."
I take a sip of wine, and ask if she wants to watch TV, or listen to music...
Thanks for inviting me. I love what you've done to the place
No, let's listen to music.  Thank you...I just redid it.  What do you like?
Nina Simone... Donny Hathaway.... any oldies
OOOO, I happen to have her, or at least one cd.  The oldies are me!
A friend turned me on to her one day in a chatroom, and I'm digging on her
I know. I am tooo.  I love Nina.

My son's father and I use to listen to Donny all the time
My palms are getting moist....why am I nervous...I have sweat in my hands
We been out many times before..why is this different?
Something about tonight is different...

Sunshine you seem different as if your glowing
...okay, Im gonna break the ice, D...tell me whats different about tonight?
lol..I am... I mean we been dating for a while..we keep it on the up and up...
so why is it different tonight?  Tell me.  What you doing to me...
is it your dress.. or the lack of an audience?
why ..whats happening... you seem so much more intense..
or in tune to me tonight.  What?  I'm always in tune with you. 
Ughh, I don't mean it like that...
I meant to say, I'm always a good friend...
No Sunshine...   huh?   explain then.  I mean as if its just you and me--
as if we are one. 

Blushing as you talk... So nervous   One?   yes..  Who..us?
... smiling even more.  I'm sorry,  was I assuming again?
Well, its true when we met, we clicked, and we just appreciated
the mutual respect without even so much as one complication.  Nooo..you weren't.
It is what it is.. I mean..there was always something there
then we've been one for awhile... 
 
The timer went off.  Those silent conversations.  Okay, hold that thought.
That timer was right on time.  If I had not gotten out of there, 
I woulda tried to take it to another level.   Hmmmmm..whewwww...

When is she going to touch me...damn. ...is my mind running wild again?
Everyone doesn't want me, but I thought...oh...never mind

Now.  Let me check this grub...yeah,.it's smellllinnnggg great!
And barring any unseen disaster, this night will be perfect!
Okay, dinners ready.  Let's eat.  Go wash your little fingers, and join me. 
Bathroom is right there on your left.  Sure, excuse me, 
I go into the kitchen to set the table.  I seat her at the other end of the table,
but I really want her to sit beside me..closer
but, nawww,  Imma be nice... its already tense...lets not blow it.  you can sit here,
as I pull out her chair for her, and pour her some wine.  Ty, Sunshine
Everything look delicious.  The guest is served first in my house.  Good.
If you don't get sick, maybe we can do this agian...LOL  
Tonight I'm a guest, huh.  Yes, always... Next time, it will be on me.
Oh yeah...cool.  Taste the salmon, see if I flavored it just right...

Slowly, I place a small piece in my mouth, wanting her to see me
inhaling the essence of the flavor. 
Yes,  its perfect!  Watching you..nerously.  Ahhh..she likes it.
Everything is great. You're an excellent cook.  Damn, I wonder what else
is she great at.  Blowing to myself...grinning...  Are you asking me...
No, that was a private thought...sorry.  Of course, I'm asking you. 
I just didn't think you heard me.  Well..I'm also good at listening,
decorating, I can play a mean game of spades..  I love to read.
The rest--you will have to discover.  I heard that.  Laughing.

what are you good at?  Now. I'm paying her back.  Putting her on the spot.

Interior design, entertaining, playing cards and making you uncomfortable...
.....devlish grin.  Ohhhh.  So,  you're doing this on purpose?  Maybe.
See, and I thought we were friends.  Now you wanna make me uncomfortable.
Of course we are, but I thought we were more.  You don't like women, remember?
More.... taking a nother sip of wine. 

I don't date women, but I so enjoy you.  I mean our relationship  ummmm.....
I don't know how to take that.   Please explain.   Feeling more nervous
Taking another sip..well, a gulp of wine, finishing my glass

Quickly asking for another one please. 
More?  please.  Of course, pouring some too... Our relationship is not
just a friendship to me.  You know you making me nervous, dont you?
sssshhhh...let me say this while I have the nerve...
ok..closing my mouth.

I think we started out as sisters, but somewhere along the way our friendship
turned into a relationship.  A relationship... If I'm wrong...  Am I wrong?
Aahh, no..I do feel close to you.... but what about him?
I mean we are always there for one another in so many ways....
well all except one.  And her--you know she would be mad as Hell if she found out. 
She would say we were playing her all along.  That we been getting down
all the time.  I don't think of him when we are together.  You don't?

Lately, I haven't, no.  Drinking the rest of the wine in my glass..
I know we are at a crossroad.  Wringing my hands..we are?
But I don't want our relationship to end like this; I want you in my life...
I'm not doing this to hurt her please, believe me.
Wasnt it you who said....women are more trouble than men...lol

Didn't you tell me they were watching you...to see what you doing...
...making sure we keep it on the up and up.
 "thinking I better be quiet before I talk her out of the words
I been longing to hear from day one, almost...
People change, and feelings do too...at least mine have...
'please enlighten me, Miss
becuz u got me thinking..well..you got me nervous as Hell over here.'
Is this just a convo..you being nice to me becuz I cooked for you?  She smiled...

I know the things I said before, but my feelings gave grown.  yes women are
more trouble.  LOL.  But what we share is pure and innocent.
Please... don't... lol...innocent...Naww. 
I can't help it.  Either I laugh, or I kiss you...
We don't have the problems that you, and she share.  Or your other friends.
Silence.

What would you like to do?
laughter escapes my lips.  J/k.  Not really, but D, what u doing here?

Did you say you wanted to kiss me... 

Slowly, she is getting up from the table,
moving towards me.  Bending down, and softly kissing my lips...

mmmmmm

Even If For A Moment

I know all you see
is darkness
but I see light
It must be so lonely
inside
all those feelings
you constantly fight
the ones you're trying to hide
deep
in the abyss of your fear
I knew I would find you
hiding here
afraid to really trust
what you already know
Love is on the other side of this door
Series of hurts and pains
Restless nights,
tears,
and fears
and so much rain
have caused you to not chance
loving again
Every lover won't leave you
standing outside
in the cold
Every body
is not meant to stay
But some remain
until the whole story is told
Sometimes
the best kind of loving
only lasts
for a season
a month
or even a moment
But it's still love, my dear
Beyond those murky shadows
of what could possibly be
is a place
so affectionately called
you and me
We can get there
It's on the other side of destiny
right around fate's bend
no promises needed,
Hearts broken
will eventually mend
We make our own rules
ours to break
All we have is today
and our happiness at stake
Look what we could have
in the end...

Happiness

wet
sticky bodies
casting kinky
shadows
joined in
candle light
forms dancing
prancing
to a melody
oh so tight
it's not love
just a little
lust will do
sweet
fragrance
our sweaty
bodies
make
an erotic
feast for two
Everything
and anything
we do
hanging in
the air
Your eyes
glistening
with a
flickering
wickedly
sexxy stare
romance
beckoning
in the
moonlight
but it's just
fukking
tonight
lust
driven...
without
a fight
you
promised
me this
and a kiss
an insatiable
appetite 
As we enter
passion's door
You have me
hungry
shamelessly
aimlessly
like a candle
melting
losing myself
expressing my desires openly
Give it to me, baby! letting
my love flow free until I'm
satisfied as I call out your name
quench this lingering flame
this candle...
burning
in your name
without any shame

" aggressive, responsive, creative, malicious, plummet, showcase, idolize, embrace, project, submit "

When I saw these words, the first thought that came to my mind was MERCY. Not knowing how I would tie them all into a complete thought, I came here, to SP for an idea. Kinda like cheating, looking for an idea to jumpstart my creative effort for today.....

'WE LEAVE OUR HEARTS UNPROTECTED
LIKE CLOCKWORK
WE SUBMIT OUR PAINS
TO A GOD THAT HAS WARNED US
REPEATEDLY
DO NOT TRUST IN MAN
TRUST IN ME'

In showcasing a portion of Libby's phrase in her post, I let the ramifications sink into my id that we seem to idolize men too much, indeed. We submit the best parts of us to people who do not have our best interests at heart. Our best creative efforts sometimes go for naught when we try to project an idea onto others that does not embrace the biblical teachings of love, and friendship we are supposed to have with all our brothers and sisters, in, and out of season.
I sometimes wonder what would happen if God aggressively reprimended us for direct insubordination, expecially when we do things against what He has warned us about, and we do it repeatedly. I am just so glad that we have a sort of 'GET OUT OF JAIL FREE' CARD...in the form of MERCY. That is...unwarranted favor. A pardon, so to speak. Almost like He just turning His head, cause He already know 'we gonna mess up again' ...LOL. He already knows if it is malicious, or done out of confusion. I'm just gonna say confused, but we know some things we do...we do them because we want to. God knows our hearts. Believe that!
In the many times that my own faith has plummeted, I have found myself asking, and pleading for His grace. His mercy. I don't know....as long as I am in this world, I will be tempted, and I will always be working on me; working to better myself. Before my mercy runs out. And, it will run out.
Life can be over for anyone of us, at any moment. Even in the middle of our mess. It is better for me, to spend my life trying to do good things, make good "long range" decisions. Think twice about how I want my life to affect others, and take this responsive approach to everything that goes on around me, and in my environment. I want to be more aggressive in how I make better decisions, in how I project my image, and in my words. Because my words can kill..
or they can heal..

What's Left....

when our presence
becomes nothing more
than just a memory
A bit of our own eternity
is left in the souls
the hearts
of those who care
Telling yourself
that it's your fault
that you could have saved them
from the things they faced
is so unrealistic
Love requires us
only to love
even
in the face of their pain
Life is less than lustrious
when taken over by one storm
after the other
What's left
when dreams are scattered
to the wind.
fights
fought too hard
to even begin to win
living somewhere
in memories of things
they could not be changed
faint resemblances
of the person that once was
In the days of peace
when we all shared a pleasure
although
briefly spent
knowing
that the certainty
of sorrow
faces each of our tomorrows
and it lies between
what was
and what will always be
The distance between
the agony
of seperation
is like a sea that has no shore,
what we are
and are no more
no reason can endure
the knot of pain
no explanation can unbind
so numb and raw
as to how much
you would like
to have them back again
To lose someone
who's loved you all your life
Where do you go
how do you find peace
in a place
that has no peace at all
When we step out of time
to become nothing more
than a memory few can recall
A bit of our eternity
sits in the souls
of those who care

jakuper(7/29/06)

Mystical Storm

In the distance
I hear thunder
rolling
lying back on my bed
quietly
a raven
sitting outside my window
and a voice...
it speaks to me
The rain starts
showers
turning into downpour
the thunder becomes louder
and I'm so drawn
to your caw
watching you
with a curious eye
doing what you do

it takes all my willpower
not to approach.
the storm is raging
outside
while the fire within
is overtaking me
what are you doing to me?
this is a subject
we need to broach
I say no
the raven says YES
I say no
the raven says YESSS
no
YESS
no
Yess

Soon enough
my resilience weakens
I say yes
Yess
I walk over to you
and kiss you
eyes closed
lightning flashes
lighting up the room
I see your form
you speak to me..

'do not fear me
I bring magic to you
your fear is of your inner self
I will give you courage
to experience
your awakening
in native teachings
black means anything but evil
it is the doorway to answers
the unknown
and your spiritual self
Never go beyond
what you are prepared for
I came to you
because you are ready'

Amidst the thunder
the lightning
and pouring rain
Raven
showed me
how to love again
She would not be rushed.
I was her canvas
she was the brush
painting strokes of pleasure
on every inch of me.
She was a master of magic

Creating a work of art
studying me
at every angle
the swell of my breasts
the rigidness of my clit
she breathed life into me
in the darkness

 
A shadow cast
on our bodies
were our only light
she kissed me with the force
and passion I never knew

My lips finally parted 
as she pulled me closer
causing me
to gasp for air
One giant bolt of lightning
flashed across the midnight sky

I now belonged to her

The days
are rolling around
faster
perhaps life is speeding up
we find ourselves
shuffling,
trying to make sense
of the changes in the weather...
students 
going back to school..
the summer heat,
rising gas prices,
and chaos around every corner....
But I find myself being able
to just sit back more..
in the cut..
in the quietness of it all...
and watch
as some people continue
to make their own lives
more tumultous,
and perplexing
(and I AM putting this rather nicely)...
we have the blessing
of being linked
to so many
who share our interests..
and its up to us
to make the most
of the connections we make..
and feed each other
our wisdom,
knowledge,
and foremost..
eschew hope..
so many cry out
for love
and really wouldnt know it
if it slapped us
in the face. 
Becuz love isnt loud,
boisterous,
selfish,
it believes all things..
it is patient,
kind,
and most of all
it never gives up 

As I was writing this,
I stopped..
and changed my whole text.
becuz
I wanted to throw stones..
accuse,
hurt,
and chastise..
but its not gonna do any good..
unless each of us
takes the charge
to bring about
better living standards
for ourselves
and others..
NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE..
we will still be lookin
for that promised land,
still be hurting those we love..
and bringing pain
to ourselves.......

I choose to be positive..
hopeful.
and practice lovng myself..
trying to love you..
in your imperfect stage..
knowing none of us are perfect..
and knowing that
if I give out love,
somehow,
and someday,
 it will return to me.....
maybe not from whom I give it...
but from LIFE...

P.S.   
You know who you are...
you have lifted my spirit..
made me believe
in love,
friendship,
and compassion..
we click..
we jibe,
we exist, now..
because
we rose above the craziness..
and I care..
unconditionally for you..
I have that hope
that you
will always be
in my life

jakuper(7/24/06)