joyce's posts with tag: sp exercise
 | Dear GOD | Mar 27, '07 3:03 PM
for everyone |
Dear God
I come to you--the only Father I have known. I feel
right calling you DAD. Yeah, it's me, coming to You once more..in the
form of writing. I stop to thank You for my life, for the breaths that
I take for granted, for the world around me that I live in each day,
and take no thought of.
Something always happens to bring me
back to this place. This place of gratitude, and warmth. people talk
about You sometimes like you are nowhere around, like You don't see
what's going on, in the world. But, I see You. I see You in the
flowers, in the cool breeze that envelops me late at night. I feel Your
love in my face as I walk down the street. You know I be walking, and
praying, all the time. Only this morning, I'm sitting here, at my pc,
doing this as an exercise. I'm very much in the present, as I always
try to be with you.
I never need a reason to come to You. I just
do. I got friends who need You, my family that needs You, and I have
things I've asked for that I still believe will come.
The door
is half way opened, and I feel a cool breeze blowing past me. That must
be You. I plan to take a walk later on, like I always do...to feel your
ambiance all around me, minus the walls, the people here, and minus
distractions so I can tell You all the things I might forget, in this
letter....
Then, God, in the midst of what seems like
chaos, You send me a blessing. Something to remind me that You love me,
and others do too. Got me smiling. I tried to look upwards and see You
smiling down on me. But, no worries; I feel it.
Thank You for
allowing me this time, in my life, knowing that there are those more
worthy than I who would deserve to be here in the land of the living.
I'm so glad it doesn't go by money, or looks, or social status. Cuz, I
might not be here. But Your grace, and love for me is equal to everyone
else. For that, I thank You. It's the little things that I try to be so
grateful of..that I hope will prepare me for the big things that you
think I may be able to handle one day. LOL.
I kinda like this.
Even though I used to write You all the time, I haven't lately. Been
busy with life, feelings, and dealing with other people's stuff. I try
to avoid mine. But, I always remember that if I trust You, it will be
alright. All of it. From family, to relationships, to finances, to my
spirituality, my sexuality...I don't leave anything out. If I believe
You for one part, why can't I trust You for it all? I don't walk around
trying to hide what I feel from You. That's so crazy..when You know all
of me.
I'm going to end this letter, but You know we will be talking.
Sincerely, Your Child
Joyce
no more than
angels
in training
Complicated individuals
Sinners
yet a chosen people
Heaven's elect
taking on human form
Living
Grasping at life lessons to remember
Holding on to intangibles I knowingly
should forget
I swim fiercely
in pools of memories
recollections
history
with little hope
for what tomorrow can bring
getting lost in yesterdays
while God sees so far in front of me
deciphering for me
advocating on my behalf
hoping
that I can find Heaven
somewhere in my travels
in my hearts
while I'm still here
The world is so big
yet so small
Our lives are intricately connected
by tiny threads of time
Strung across miles
of tears,
joy
and pain
I am so glad
that when I fall down
and, if the sun above
refuses to shine
I don't have to stay down....
He makes it possible
through grace
that I can rise again!
T
I
M
E
passes away
like a m e l t i n g watch
slip ping away
seconds...
minutes.......
hours...............
days.......................
weeks............................
years........................................
a lifetime of experiences
They say
time waits for no man
Catch up with your future
....if you can
The persistence of memory
is dragged ragged
by a impatient second hand
that just doesn't stop
Clocking our past
into journals of time
"Defer no time, delays have dangerous ends"
Whatever you have to do...
Do
it
now!
Before
the meltdown
Before the sun goes...
down
Never let the sun go down on your wrath
because...
A second after it's all over
is one second too late...
The one of me
that sees
The two of me
that speaks
The third part of me
that hears the truth deep inside me
is wavering...
always thinking out loud
Three thoughts
wasted
when in my heart
I know what's right to do
Hovering above me
at all times
is TRUTH
the spirit of it
the bottom line of it
the "me" I can never escape
I smile
in the face of decision
and indecision
I frown in the depths
of discontent
of options spent
Then
this grin
this silly grin
that says to me
You know what you need to do...
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE KNOWN THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
..AND HAVEN'T DID IT...LOL
SOMETIMES OPTIONS
CAN BE AS DESTRUCTIVE AS LIMITATIONS...
"There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors of perception"
~Aldous Huxley~
What do I see when I look at the picture?
I see possibilities.
Passages into the unknown.
I see things that could very well happen soon...
a part of some future prospect.
The door symbolizes unrestricted potential..
shadows, perhaps representing memories, tributes.
and foundations already made.
Everyone has doors.
Everyone has memories.
Whoever we meet is someone
that makes shadows in our life
They cause us to act in certain ways.
The older you get,
the more shadows you have.
Every time you open another door,
you add to your perpetual memory address book.
When people come in your life,
you don't readily know
what position they will play.
It might be in a legated role,
or the main character.
Only time will tell.
Some have deferred roles.
Meaning what they came to share
has not been revealed
Do you know the purpose
of everyone who enters your life?
"One of the greatest moments in any body's developing experience is when he no longer tries to hide from himself but determines to get acquainted with himself as he really is."
My first
candid reflection
was when I looked
at my mother
I saw my future
in her face
Then, when I first laid eyes
on my son
and I saw my mother
in his face
the world became smaller
life no longer
made me
afraid
but
I was very aware
that he would be influenced
by every decision
I ever made
 What's wrong?
"I think Mommy and Daddy are splitting up"
'How do you know?'
"Because"
'Because what?'
"Because they argue all the time. Slamming doors. Mommy is always cursing alot at Daddy. Daddy said she gonna end up a lonely old... I can't say that word. You know. It starts with B."
Ahhhhhhh. I think you right. My mom and her boyfriend use them words all the time. Then they be laughing the next day. I think they go in their room, and fight it out. I hear them cursing, and mom be screaming. I be scared to go to the door, and ask if everything is ok. They be in the bed, though. I hear the bed moving. She be calling him Daddy. And he ain't even her daddy.
'You don't know what they be doing? They be having sex. Yeah, girl. They be getting it on. Sometimes, my mother be watching movies at night. Watching people with no clothes on, doing the nasty. She be naked, too. I hear her talking, like she talking to somebody, and ain't nobody in the room with her.'
"Well my Mommy and Daddy don't sleep in the same room. I sleep with Mommy. She always tells me to come get in bed with me. She tells me before we go to sleep, to be careful that when I'm old enough to get married, and have a husband, to make sure he loves me, and only me. I always say, yes Mommy. She say Daddy loves us, but he got other people that he loves, too. I be wondering who she talking about."
She be talking about his "chick on the side" girl. He be stepping out on your moms. Does he have other kids? You got more sisters, or brothers? I wonder what they look like.
"I don't know. I'm afraid to ask Mommy. She always so mad when she talk to Daddy, or about him. I just like all the attention I be getting."
'I know that's right. When my mom don't have a man, she watches TV in bed with me. She cooks all my favorite foods.
"But does she be sad? My mommy is always sad, when she isn't trying to be nice to me. I think she misses Daddy. And won't admit it. I see her looking at his picture all the time. I wonder if they will break up, or not. I hope not."
Why?
"Because I don't wanna get used to another Daddy. I like the one I got."
Child, he will always be your Daddy. No one can take his place. You only have one. No matter what happens, that's the one thing that other woman he loves, can take away from you. You know that?
'Right'
"Yeah, right! High five...."
Dwelling
in the darkness
of primordial night,,
the night no longer frightens me.
I look for it now.
It is in the night that pearls
of wisdom,
and saving grace
flow into my body,
and my mind.
I am so comfortable
talking with my own angels
about life stuff
love stuff
heart stuff
philosophical stuff.
Yeah, stuff.
These days,
my concentration
is on things
not even of this world.
My destiny
seems more important
than these momentary hiccups
of happenings going on
in a world that still does not understand grace
or the reason we have pain
It is sad to have
so many opportunities now
and to try to blame night
for what the days
did not bring
Angels
all around us
bringing us songs
music that the Heavens
have yet to sing
 It happens
every morning
and lasts throughout the day
Your beautiful scent
still fills our bed
still lingers in my head
I wish you'd come back home
I want to wrap my arms around you
softly caress your neck
as we share a beautiful kiss
Soft touches across your skin,
silky smooth
almost like a dream
Beautiful is the sweet breeze
that enters in
when you step into the room
when you enter into my world
My body tenses beneath your touch
as your hand forks through my hair
Your body moves to greet mine
my hand floats across your flesh
I arch as I enter your space
A moment we will never forget
while exploring our own limits of love
our own definition of love
Erotically exposing our souls to each other
Melting in that moment
both of us vow that this is forever
even if it is too early to tell
I still am lost
in your sweet smell
Your beautiful memory
that still fills our bed
lingering
beautiful
beautifully
...in my head
jakuper(11/13/06)
She reminds me of this flower
five times I walked past it
five times I turn back
five times I change my plan of attack
five times to make it right
five times I decided to put up a fight
It was one of a kind
worth every time I changing my mind
Five petals that fragranced the wind
Five senses making me desire her
over and over again
Five silent conversations
I had with myself
five nights of sleep I missed
could have been holding her tight
five fingers to touch her lips
five times to thrust against
her thirsty hips
Right before my eyes
She melted
into my fantasy
into every woman
I wanted her to be
making her that much closer to me
To ambush your heart
was not my original intent
even though this relationship
started out exciting
beautiful
intriguing
and heavensent
Fatigue
has left us dizzy
The peaceful paradise
we both existed in
has crumbled
Our love lies lifeless
beneath the bane
of words
spoken
shouted out
not thought out
hurtful
too wantonly bold
leaving too many scars
a slight bitter taste
promises
gone to waste
Jasmine
mixed with tainted oils
The strain of the tension
has made a frown
upon your lovely face
Both of us
victims of spoils
plants sown
in hardened soils
Places we could no longer fix
Wounds exacted by harsh words
maybe too deep to mend
It hurts my heart, too
losing you
after choosing you
Nothing that I do from now on
will be without thoughts
of doing them
with you
my sweet and loving friend
jakuper(11/6/06)
Today,
I found myself...
somewhere
inside the maze
of all the deliberate confusion
The heavens opened up
and I found my place
I am no more a follower
than Moses was
when he realized his calling
And, like Job also endured loss
so shall I endure
God helps me to remember
that He doesn't take away pain
He helps you thru it
You can take it all away
leaving me
with absolutely nothing
Multiplied tribulations
oceans of fret
and I will still say
God is good 'all the time'
and He isn't through with me yet
Bruised,
but not broken
a teacher,
and not a token
Yelled
not spoken
I AM HERE!
"Instead of chasing happiness,
I am choosing to enjoy it.
Instead of putting off life
until later,
I will live it fully
wherever I may be.
There is only
the slightest connection
between my external circumstances
and the level of genuine joy
I eagerly experience.
This moment is,
more than anything else,
what I make it."
For every sundown
I experience
there lies a creation
some gift of God's own
made to bring a little sunshine
back into it
When He closes one door
He opens another
"lift up ye heads, O ye gates"
jakuper(11/2/06)
I'm addicted to living,
breathing fresh air
waltzing through
fascinating mazes of futurism
traditionalism
seeking public approval
and nonconformism
My love for logic
and intuition
makes my brain
my most important organ
I will always choose intimacy
over love
I am drawn to seek liberation
Music
is my freedom,
my equality
Sisterhood
is my hope
If I can liberate
the conservative mind
I am within my goal
to achieve balance
a union
between the sexes
I rely heavily on my mind
I live in my mind
trusting it...
more than my body
more than
what I see or feel
I see flashes of insight,
intuition,
visions,
telepathy,
dreams of future
I am the 52nd state,
the 11th planet
the third child of my mothers'
I am a writer
I write emotion
realness
I create charm
intrigue
want
experience
I need to trust me
trust my life
trust who holds my life
Like a true addict
Waiting
for the next hit
I'm in it
for the rest of my life
I just can't quit
jak(10/31/06)
 .
..to share a moment in time with you
I have been here
while you have danced
with the best of em
glanced at the rest of them
Damned if I wanted to know
every time you opened
or closed
another revolving door
Relaxed
and chilling
Still got that
same old loving feeling
Noone does it like you
Your purpose
in my life
we both knew
Not some
half-assed attempt
to get up and leave
after all the good times
were through
You weakened my resolve
broke my
concentration
in two
Nights when I should be
sleeping in my bed
you deliberately kept me up
thinking about you
Every word you spoke
consumed me
dancing in my head
And regardless of fickle attempts
by circumstances
situations
to move me
away from your space
I remained silent
and true
waiting patiently
to share a moment with you
I tossed and turned every night
wanting to see your face
wanting to be
juxtaposed
in your sweet embrace
Fingers touching
the lines of your face
I traced them
in angry haste
Ingenuity
of modern technology
Hot words
scorched across
a cold computer screen
only allowed me
to see
that I woulda been happier
if you had been with me
Lady luck
or villian
will of
fortune
or fluke
destination unknown
chances blown
*kismet casualty
*scarred doom
fortune gambled
lucky break
table stakes
misfortune looms
*fate assumed
*fallen doom
you lose
possible recoup
never again
be duped
invisible villain
luck out
Lady Luck
got you
drinking
Karma's cup
jakuper(10/27/06)
My mulberry muse
My violaceous vixen
wrapped in
violet
vivacious hues
My plum pie
filled with saucy,
ris'que fixings
layer
by layer
of carnally erogenous swank
In my lascivious eyes
I see in you
amethyst heat
empurpled dreams
a vulgar, wicked wine
to drink
Purplish meals
to eat
Grapes tasted
by dropping them
into your mouth
amorous aphrodisiac pleasures
seductuvely wasted
on the floor
of the silky violet robe
used for our bodies sheet
Covers
delicately peeled away
as our impassioned bodies meet
in that dirty,
nasty
blue
time of day
when flaming flesh
fulfills
filthy
favors
amid erotic explosions
of blue
crimsom red
and steamy
lilac lure
You fill me up
with unrestrained arouse
dripping drops of magic mauve
rich romance
Copiously
culminating
in kinky lust
thrust
by tasty thrust
My favorite
being
that voluptuos show
underneath
that mischeivous
magenta top
Pomegranate pleasures
titillating treasures
which will always be
my most exciting spot
jakuper(10/24/06)
kidnapped
taken hostage
snuckered
by images
of misty blue
the girl in my dreams
Wishing her red lip kisses
broke the silence reflected
when I say No
I know I'm being mean
and I make her mean
then she screams
WHEN SHE SCREAMS
she breaks the mirrors
meant to camoflauge
the difficulty of our journey
ordinary
abnormally free
once we go to sleep
ONCE WE GO TO SLEEP
I roam
she roams
we meet back home
where it's warm
and she can scream
when she screams
where you been
I can scream
I will tell you
next segment
once we go to sleep
I saw your picture
we spoke
Words poured in
filling my soul again
as my body opening up,
having been closed
since the day you walked away
Internal windows
once again ajar
Glad to know you're well
I've been wondering how you are
Sleepless
tossing
whispers crossing
trekking through my mind
Vibrant memories
some of them unkind
My caged disappointment
demanding
to be released
hoping to find a little peace
I opened my mouth
and not a single word escaped
My heart sat
silently
submerged in pain
while my spirit murmured
It's good to see you again
Had my loins
been filled with courage
in my usual ritualistic approach
When you said that you missed me
I would have said to thee
I think I missed you the most
Ribbons in the sky
floated above me
in vibrant oranges,
and yellows
and blue
I gladly pulled you back
into my arms, welcoming you
I would love for you to stay
But, it would only cause alarm
Always something to be said
for my cocoon of of fear and dread
which makes me feel
a quiet hesitation
Wondering still....
can our love close the distance
and can time spent apart
strengthen my heart
make your feelings for me
seem more real
jakuper(10/16/06)
Autumn is my Song
A distinctive sound in the wind...
that courtship with Summer that always ends
the golden oldie chanting a beautiful song
chorus filled with hot numbers
a sweet shanty
song and dance
A jealous jive
Verse after verse soothing to the ear
The note that shreiks...
Winter is almost here
Spring's very vocal number
won raves in it's day
Thunder crashed
and lightning flashed
across the sky
As summer's lullabies jived
line by line
falling in right on time
Pieces of poems could be found
in the bright evenings tide
and resting on the scorching sands
Tunes warbled softly
in ears of waiting hearts
skatebords flipping beats
As foilage thrived
providing plenty of food to eat
All a pretext to Autumns plate
we prepare to eat
Excuse me if I don't miss Summer
I had my fun
I just couldn't take the heat
Her verses sounded like curses
I strained to hear
I personally was glad
that Autumn was near
Prosaicism....
Sure it is
Soon it will be Christmas, too
when we all sing ballads of blessings
canticles of cheer
Chorus after chorus of children's dittys...
Happy Holidays,
Santa Claus is here
So much
for that diabolical scheme
The one I devised
to make you go away
When I find my own feelings
are what's holding me back
I said I'd walk away
and save myself some tears
But your name
is always haunting me
taunting me
chanting,
whispering
ranting
facetiously
in my ears
all throughout the day....
'Why won't you let me stay?'
shadows cast
over your loving me
Transgressions
that I cannot defend
When you're hurt
over and over
the naivety of the mind
cannot comprehend
the need
to cherish moments spent
Total negation
all that good loving
blissful days
steamy,
passionate nights
Because love is not promised
to last forever
if we don't take care of it
every day
There is no justice
in a broken heart
The scales
are unevenly tipped
Anxiety
over trivial things
makes
a weaker love
turn
and walk away
jakuper(10/13/06)
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